Yeah, it was hubris
So I don't have the sleep thing solved, but I do think I'm getting close. And Marc Weissbluth is still the devil.
Hubris
I think I may have this sleep thing figured out. After analyzing the situation with two Excel spreadsheets, a Word document and a few good books I've had some major insights. Unfortunately I am still at my mom's and am leaving to go home tomorrow. I'm quite concerned that the four hour drive and change of environment will throw him off and put us back to square one. Either way, you will know what happened because:
- If all goes well I am going to do a long post about what I've learned, entitled "Dr. Marc Weissbluth, Author of Healthy Sleep Habits, Healthy Child, is the Devil."
- If all does not go well and the travel disruption puts us back to square one I will never update this site again because I will be living out the rest of my days curled up in the corner of my closet with a bottle of vodka.
I'm too tired to think of a witty title
When I was younger I used to think that "baby weight" came from some mysterious hormone associated with childbearing that magically added fat cells to your body without any help from you. Now my hypothesis is that the additional fat cells come from shoveling large quantities of food in your mouth all the time because you're too exhausted to care about eating well and you can't drink because you're breastfeeding so why not just go ahead and have that second banana nut muffin at 1:00 in the morning. Just a theory. Not speaking from experience here.
So my son is in the 8% of babies who still do not sleep through the night at four and a half months. I recently read that "sleeping through the night" for an infant is a shorter span of time than it is for adults, so many parents have babies who sleep through the night (by baby standards) and don't even know it! Well, if sleeping for two to three hours at a time before waking is the infant version of a good night sleep then I've been all worried for nothing.
I've read The No-Cry Sleep Solution where the author rambles around and doesn't really give you any specific advice at all. I liked The Baby Whisperer, but the author got a bit heavy-handed with the whole being British thing, repeatedly referring to the reader as "luv" and "ducky" and talking about how healthcare is better in the UK. No "luv"s and "ducky"s in Healthy Sleep Habits, Healthy Child which reads like a doctoral thesis but isn't as empathetic and comforting. I managed to make it through BabyWise without retching and, speaking of retching, I learned from Dr. Ferber that your baby might cry to the point of vomiting on herself when you're following his program, but don't comfort her because it'll teach her to manipulate you.
I've tried everything and nothing seems to work, which is especially disastrous since his sleep issues + my sleep issues = total disaster. He can't stay asleep. I can't fall asleep in the first place and can't go back to sleep once I've been woken up. I am a freaking zombie, well on my way to being a fat freaking zombie since having any sort of willpower seems to require having had more than three consecutive hours of sleep at some point in the past four months.
So, if any of you parents out there have any tips or tricks to get a baby to sleep through the night that is not already covered in the aforementioned books*, please let me know. Meanwhile, I'm going to go collapse.
* Unless you're going to suggest something along the lines of using relaxing lavender scents or soothing music. Let me assure you that the lack of scented plants and ocean sounds is not the reason that my baby has not been sleeping through the night.
A quick update
Well, the baby is finally here. He arrived a couple weeks ago after 19 hours of labor. The first 17 hours were manageable but the last two I could have really done without. I did end up having him without any drugs, though truth be told if I'd been in a hospital I probably would have taken every drug I could get my hands on. It probably didn't help anything that I didn't practice any of my Bradley Method relaxation techniques or birth positions. I used the Jennifer Method, which primarily involved tensing up and screaming a lot. It was surprisingly effective.
I haven't been in much of a mood to update the site considering that I haven't had more than two consecutive hours of sleep since before I went into labor. Hopefully I'll have more energy after a couple of weeks. Until then I'll try to update about once a week, and in the meantime I trust that the spammers will continue to make good use of my comments feature to keep you informed of online poker games and hot teen webcams.
Greetings from bedrest
Last week I was going to write a post about how jealous I was of a girl in my Bradley class who got put on bedrest for a couple of weeks. Doctor-ordered laziness sounded right up my alley. Then on Friday it happened to me. My blood pressure had gone up a bit since my last appointment at the birthing center so the midwife put me on full bedrest.
It is everything I dreamed it could be.
This experience has confirmed my theory that I was going to expound upon in my post last week: there is nothing I enjoy doing that can't be done from bed. Actually, I should amend that. There is nothing I enjoy doing when I'm nine months pregnant and it's 100 freaking degrees outside every day that can't be done from bed. I normally love to travel and socialize and even occasionally go outdoors, but not when my third trimester of pregnancy collides with the peak of Texas summer.
It says a lot about me and my recent activity level that people who did not know that I was on bedrest didn't notice. Those who did know frequently checked in with sweet but misplaced concern. "So are you going stir crazy yet?" they'd ask. Right. I was going to spend Labor Day weekend water skiing and jogging the hike and bike trail, but unfortunately it's medically necessary that I lie around in the air conditioning instead. Another FAQ was, "Are you bored out of your mind yet?" People. Seriously. I have a laptop, wireless internet, cable TV and shelves full of unread books. How could I possibly be bored?
I have another appointment tomorrow to evaluate my progress and the midwife promised to try to get me off bedrest if possible. Clearly she doesn't know who she's dealing with.
Anyway, now that the countdown to the due date is in the single digits my posts might get sporadic for a while (as if they're not already) but I'll keep updating as much as possible.
Finally, a true glimpse into motherhood
As I may have mentioned, I am the first of my friends to have a child and I've never been around babies or new mothers very much, so I don't really know what to expect over the next few months. But luckily our friends at Maidenform have an ad campaign going that offers an uncensored glimpse into the realities of being a new mother (click on photo to enlarge). I promptly showed this picture to my husband to prepare him for what I am going to look like when our baby is a few weeks old.
An obligatory update
So evidently sitting around and willing yourself to go into labor instead of updating your blog or doing anything else productive doesn't work. I still haven't had the baby (which I guess shouldn't be surprising since he's not due for three more weeks) but I definitely think the nesting instinct has finally kicked in. Now instead of just walking into my room to take a nap and watch mindless television I glance around and say, "Man, this place is a dump" first. That's probably about as much as I can expect to nest. Millions of years of evolution that have hardwired the females of our species to meticulously clean every square inch of their home before they have a baby is no match for my laziness.
On an administrative note, I had a fabulous new post ready to go but I think I'm going to have to skip it. In it I confessed that I'm not really a big fan of the New Kids on the Block's catalogue of work. But I think such crazy talk might be a little too heavy for some of my readers who get pretty flustered when you make negative comments about washed up stars from the 80s. Kudos to Ryan for defending Tiffany's honor, and I'll be sure to delete those half-finished posts I've been working on where I slam Silver Spoons for being too predictable and rail against Full House for not being upbeat enough.
Anyway, I have high hopes that I'll be productive this week, and hopefully that'll include a few posts to the blog. Stay tuned.
The 3rd Trimester: my chance to be the jerk I've always wanted to be
More random thoughts while running errands today...
After my slow, painful journey down Austin's one-lane thoroughfares I finally made it to the grocery store. In my cross mood I semi-accidentally cut off a little old lady with my shopping cart. To my surprise, my brusque maneuver was greeted with a deferential smile. I realized that now that I'm hugely pregnant my slot in the social hierarchy has changed, and I'm right up there with the elderly and infirm in terms of people feeling obligated to be nice to me. Sweet! I blew right by old men, women, and children without the usual niceties such as saying "Oh, no, you go ahead" through clenched teeth or not giving a death stare as I squeeze past people drifting aimlessly down the middle of the aisle. I might have been pushing my luck when I beat the guy in the wheelchair to the last jar of Mushroom Ragu though.
Now that I've realized this major advantage of the third trimester of pregnancy I'm looking forward to trying it out some more. I need to get my oil changed tomorrow; maybe they'll rip me off less than usual. And perhaps I'll sigh and do my best to look uncomfortable while rubbing my belly when J. and I go to a crowded restaurant with a long wait. Surely I can guilt some sucka into giving up their seat.
Who said the third trimester is all bad?
Planning a route to the birthing center
Random thoughts while running errands today...
I had my 35 week appointment at the birthing center today. It's a good 10 miles from my place, so I decided to use this trip over there to plan the best route for the big day. After timing my trip and thinking carefully about my options, I think the best ways to get to the birthing center when I'm in labor would be:
- Having Scotty beam me over there with the teleporter
- Being spirited through the clouds by winged angels
- Riding my bike
Thanks to the City of Austin's amazing road construction planning abilities, driving is not an option. Getting from where I live in central downtown to the major highway on the west side of town is a Homeric epic. There's laughter, there's tears, shattered dreams, frustrated ambitions, and occasional graphic violence (OK, only in my fantasies). And it seems like it never ends.
Both major east/west roads to get to the highway are under construction (6th St. and Enfield, for those of you who know Austin geography). But that almost doesn't even matter, because the road I would take to get to either of those roads, possibly the most major street in Austin (Lamar Blvd.) is down to one lane. Fascinatingly, none of these streets are being expanded. With Enfield they're fixing potholes, the 6th Street mess is for the new Whole Foods complex, and the Lamar construction is just to screw with us. (I'm positive that it's some 'burb-dwelling city council member's idea of a sick joke.) Each project in and of itself is pointless, but together they represent an unfathomable colossus of moronic management and lack of foresight.
If Scotty or the winged angels don't come through I need to read up on how to give birth in a car. Traffic will be worse then with UT back in session, and first labors only last a dozen or so hours. On the bright side, it is possible that my feelings about the road construction will distract me entirely from the pain of contractions. Rather than deep breathing I can just shake my fist and hang out the window yelling, "This road is down to ONE LANE for a few POTHOLES?!"
I pity the fool who offers me ice chips
Last night I finished reading Natural Childbirth the Bradley Way for the second time. This is about the 1,000th childbirth preparation book I've read. One thing all these books have in common is that they're geared mostly for women who give birth in hospitals, since that's the norm, and since I'm going to a birthing center a lot of the tips don't apply to me ("What to Do When Your Doctor Tries to Give You an Episiotomy as You Walk in the Front Door").
Luckily for all involved, one of the main things that doesn't apply is the frequent suggestion of sucking on ice chips during labor. This is recommended for hospital births because they won't let you have any food or drink during the entire labor. Your body is in the middle of the hardest work it's ever done -- some of the hardest work a human being could ever possibly do -- and it may last for 10, 20, even 30 hours. What you need to energize you through this marathon of agonizing toil is not food or drink but some refreshing ICE CHIPS!
One book cheerfully suggests to husbands, "If [your wife] has been in labor for more than 10 hours she may need refreshment to keep going. This is a good time to offer her ice chips or a cool wash cloth to suck on. But remember, no food or drinks!" Sucking on wash cloths? Ice chips? I pity the fool who offers these options to me when I've been dealing with contractions for hours and hours. I cannot imagine the carnage that would ensue if I wanted food or Gatorade and was given a wet rag instead.
The no food or drink rule is as pointless as it is ridiculous. The "logic" is that if you had to have emergency surgery where they put you completely under (which is unlikely, even if you end up with a C-section), there is the possibility that you could choke on any food that's in your stomach. And what is that possibility? Well, in one study in the late 80s and early 90s, less than 2 out of 1,000,000 pregnant women in the U.S. died of any anesthesia-related complication (not just aspiration). Anesthesiology best practices have the doctors treat patients as if they have food in their stomachs either way so, unless your anesthesiologist is an idiot, you'll be fine in the unlikely event that you're put under.
Anyway, this is the type of thing that drove me to start considering a birthing center. I just can't stand the hospital mentality. My husband was fascinated by the decision making process because, once my researched showed that the safety factor would be the same at either place, it became a contest between spite and sloth. Which would win: my hatred of hospitals' unnecessary rules, or my hatred of pain and any sort of physical activity?
Well, spite won and I'm going to a place that can offer me nothing but good vibes to help with the pain of childbirth. (I should add that the decision was fueled by a lot more than spite, but that's another post.) So J. and my birth assistant needn't worry about being decapitated because the only thing they can offer me is ice chips.
...Although, now that I think about it, it could be an equally bad situation if anyone points out during labor that I gave up the option of an epidural so that I could have a glass of water and a candy bar.
Prenatal yoga
The ranks of the "Are you HUGE yet??" crowd have now been surpassed by "You should take a prenatal yoga class" crowd. I cannot believe how many times I have had this conversation within the past few months.
WELL-MEANING PERSON WHO CLEARLY DOESN'T KNOW ME VERY WELL: So when are you due?
ME: Mid-September.
WMP: Are you taking prenatal yoga?
ME: Uhh, no. I'm not interested in it.
WMP: [Eyes light up] Ooooh! You HAVE to take prenatal yoga! It helps you breath and blah blah blah blah
[At this point my brain overloads from having this discussion 1,000 times and I am unable to process any more yoga-related information, so I switch to Yoga Discussion Autopilot.]
ME: Uh-huh. Yeah, it's really not for me.
WMP: Blah blah blah blah blah breathing blah blah stretching
ME: Mmm-hmmm. Ooooh.
WMP: Blah blah mind/body connection blah blah blah blah
ME: Oh, ok. Yoga-Yoga on South Lamar? Ok, I'll look into that.
WMP: Blah blah blah herbal hibiscus tea at the end of each class blah blah blah
ME: Great...cool...thanks for the info.
This is pretty much the script of every social encounter I have now. I always feel bad for these people because I know they mean well, but they just have no idea how hopeless their efforts are. I've been waiting my whole life to have an excuse not to exercise without feeling guilty, and pregnancy is it. I'm not going to let some yoga class come between me and this golden opportunity to do nothing. Plus, I'm just not a yoga person. Everyone I say that to interprets it to mean I just haven't found the right yoga class, but I'm really not. I'll detail all the reasons why in another post, but to summarize:
- I already know how to breathe.
- There are other ways to relax that don't cost $25 and take an hour and a half out of my life.
- I don't care about improving my flexibility.
- Yoga was not designed for people of my height. I'm six feet tall. Whenever I try to get my body into those ridiculous positions I end up looking like the Jolly Green Giant on quaaludes. It's not pretty.
I've tried explaining all this to the "You should take a prenatal yoga class" crowd but the only effect it has it to add another 15 minutes to the conversation. Maybe I should just ask for a t-shirt that says "Please don't talk to me about prenatal yoga" as a baby shower gift.
"Think about the words that are coming out of your mouth!"
I'm headed out this morning to the thriving east Texas metropolis of Gun Barrel City. The trip serves the dual purposes of visiting my grandparents-in-law and finding a new home for some sweet cats who were about to be put to sleep.
I was at a wedding on Sunday and this trip came up as part of the obligatory so-what's-new-with-you table chitchat. More than one person reacted to this news as if I told them that the dual purposes of the trip were to enter a tequila shot contest and ride roller coasters. "Uhh, you know, you really shouldn't be around cats when you're pregnant," they'd say gravely. To which Alternate Universe Assertive Jen leaned forward across the table and said in a loud, slow voice, "THINK ABOUT THE WORDS THAT ARE COMING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH."
AUA Jen continued, "You should really get your important message out to the 73 million Americans who own cats. If what you're saying is true, this country may not even have a next generation!"
Yes, yes, I'm aware that pregnant women should exercise caution while changing litter boxes because of the risk of toxoplasmosis, but even that activity is low risk unless you actually eat some of the cat crap. This is one of the many examples of people taking a minor risk to ridiculous, illogical extremes in the name of concern for unborn children. The next recommendation is going to be that you shouldn't even live in the same neighborhood as a cat. After all, if you were to be walking down the street and came across a cat turd you might accidentally eat it, thus increasing your chance of getting toxoplasmosis. Yes, the risk may be small, but (all together now) why take any chances at all when it comes to the health of your baby!
And on that note, I'm off to spread my humor and good cheer to the folks of Gun Barrel City. I'll be back on Friday.
The email I wish I could send
-----Original Message-----
From: Jennifer [mailto:jen@jenntonic.com]
Sent: Tuesday, May 25, 2004 3:23 PM
To: Friends & Family
Subject: Your inquiries
Dear Friends and Family,
I have not been online for the past few days because I was out of town, so I apologize in the delay returning your emails. I also apologize for the mass email, but since you all seemed to want to know the same thing I figured this would be the most efficient method of communication.
In the 35 hour period that I was not checking email, I received five (5) inquiries about the size of my abdomen, the specific verbiage varying from "so are you getting big?" to "are you CRAZY and HUGE yet?!?!?" I received zero (0) inquiries about my health, the health of the baby, the baby's gender, whether or not I'd felt the baby kick yet, or anything else that was not related to my level of "hugeness".
Thus, I have set up the email account areyouhugeyet@buttafly.com so that I may expedite this critical information in the future. Emailing this account will automatically sign you up for the Is Jen Huge Yet Newsletter, in which I just send out pictures of my stomach in lieu of actual correspondence.
And for those of you ask me this same question once a week, you're now eligible for the Is Jen Huge Yet Webtracker, an internet-based desktop application that will update the size of my abdomen in realtime, so that you never have to go a moment without this critical information.
I am also working on a deal with the local cable company to launch the Is Jen Huge Yet Channel, whose programming consist entirely of a camera focused on my belly 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The cable execs were skeptical at first, but after showing them my Inbox they were convinced that there is clearly a large demographic that is fascinated by my uterus.
I hope that you will all find these to be valuable, time-saving services.
Best,
Jennifer
Time to go to the pregnancy hut
Just got off the phone with my friend T. She called me because she had just downed her seventh rum and coke and wanted to let me know that she "really, really, honestly loves me." No, she means it. Seriously, man, she -- are you listening? She's not just saying this because she's drunk -- really loves me. Dude, seriously.
She had to go because she was at a raging party and the noise was making it too hard to hear. Plus, she had to head out to go downtown because she had some VIP tickets to the grand opening of a really cool bar. These are the kind of phone calls a pregnant woman likes to get when she's sitting on the couch alone on a Friday night.
But it got better. Before she got off the phone she had one more question:
Nesting
I am now into the fourth month of my pregnancy and am quickly learning that any action I take relating to my house or surroundings will henceforth be classified as "nesting." It's pretty interesting to see this phenomenon applied to me since I am not known to be the most meticulous housekeeper, to say the least. I have never been accused of being involved in anything concerning the establishment of order or tidiness in my life, so I suppose I should enjoy it while it lasts.
The first time I heard this was a couple of weeks ago. I was on the phone with a friend and spilled my Coke on the couch.
ME: "Oh shit, hang on, I need to go get a towel to clean this crap up. I hope it doesn't stain."FRIEND: (With glee) "Ohhhhh, you're NESTING!!"
Yes. The fact that I don't want to marinate in old Coca Cola is a decision driven by pregnancy hormones alone. Continue reading "Nesting"
I just adored intestinal worms before I was pregnant
I've long wondered why pregnant women are warned not to eat sushi. I've been avoiding it but could never get a straight answer about why exactly this food is a danger. I knew it wasn't mercury levels since those are the same in cooked or raw fish, so I decided to do some research.
I finally found an article about it on Columbia University's site. Pregnant women should not eat sushi because it may carry "hepatitis A, worms, parasites, viral intestinal disorders, and other diseases." A bunch of other sources said pretty much the same thing. Ah, yes. Those are things that just don't concern non-pregnant people.
That's like saying that only pregnant women should avoid playing around with guillotines because being beheaded is bad for unborn children. If there's really a significant chance that you'll get some free intestinal worms and a case of hep A with your next tuna roll, shouldn't everyone avoid these things? What if you eat sushi before you're pregnant and get all these illnesses? Surely they'd still affect your pregnancy.
Something's not adding up here.