Ooh, look at how cute the baby is. NOW!
I never used to be a "baby person." When friends and relatives had babies I thought they were mildly interesting but never gave it much thought other than that. Which is why I'm surprised at how much of a baby person I have become. In fact, with my own baby I have become an aggressive, militant baby person.
It all started when I learned how to use my sling correctly. After the wonderful lady at Special Addition showed me that it was not in fact correct to stuff your baby into the sling in an upside down, sideways position ("Do you think that could that be why he screams every time I put him in it?") I found out how to place him so that only his little head sticks out of the top. Combine that with the fact that I usually have him wear his hat that has a bear face on the front and perky little ears sewn into the top, and you have the cutest thing in the history of civilization. I'm not biased, it's just a fact.
So the first time I headed out to the grocery store with this baby-hat-sling combo I prepared myself for the huge response I'd surely get. Would I feign modesty? "Oh, I guess it is kinda cute. Hee-hee!" Or would I just need to be direct and use force to push through the crowds of people that would inevitably congregate around us. "I know, it's insanely cute, but I'm going to need you people to clear a path to the creamed corn."
When the first few people I encountered in the produce section didn't immediately drop the tomatoes they were inspecting to coo over my baby I assumed that they just must not have seen him. I found that I instinctively looked at everyone I passed in anticipation of a response from them as I walked through the store. I also found that I instinctively got pissed when there was no response. When a white-haired, grandmotherly lady walked by and only gave a passing glance to the sling ensemble I huffed and wrote her off as a sad, bitter person with no soul.
Today I was walking down Congress Avenue and came up to a crosswalk where two businessmen were waiting. They glanced over briefly as they continued their conversation. I wanted to jump in between them and halt their pointless banter about some billion-dollar this-or-that until I got some proper oohs and aahs. The hat has ears on it, people.
My mom called today to say that she bought the baby a little Christmas outfit with a matching Santa hat. This could potentially bring the cuteness level around here to Defcon 5. I'm planning on attending a couple of holiday events with the baby in this getup, and woe be to the person who begins a conversation with me without first falling all over themselves about the baby and his little outfit.
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EDITOR'S NOTE: I know I used the word "little" a lot in this post. However, it is impossible to discuss infant clothes without it. It's also impossible to discuss the subject without raising your voice to a high-pitched squeak at every noun-adjective combo, as in "the little baby shoes!" or "the little itty bitty jacket that Babies R Us had the nerve to gouge us $65 for when you know it cost them like, what, five bucks to make."
My life through voicemail
Over the past few weeks I've been meaning to introduce the "cast of characters" of my life. I was going to write up brief descriptions of friends and family members who I will probably mention frequently.
Then last week I realized that you can often tell everything you need to know about a person by the voicemails they leave. So, rather than try to come up with my own descriptions and interpretations of their personalities, I'll just let the people in my life speak for themselves:
MY MOTHER-IN-LAW: "JENNIFER. I need you to call me. I'm clicking on the damn thing on the left on the picture of the circle but that window keeps coming up! I cannot get this to work. I need you to call me. Bye bye -- oh! -- I sent you a package, so look out for it. I won't tell you what's in it, but you'll know it's from me because it looks like it got in a fight. Love and kisses!"
[NOTE: I have no idea what the first statement was in reference to. It's not something we'd ever discussed before.]MY DAD: "Hey kid, it's me. I just wanted to remind you guys about the Venus transit tomorrow morning. If you can see it it'll be right around sunrise. This is the first time it's happened since 1882 and it's going to be really neat, so don't forget to set your alarm. Bye."
MY MOM: "Hey Jen, did you get those insurance forms I sent? I know you never check the mail. You need to check it and fill those out because it's urgent. Did I tell you that L. is coming to visit this weekend? She's here for a -- goddammit! Wait...I just...hang on...I'm trying to get on 114 East and this says 114 North. [Inaudible expletive]. This isn't even my exit. Is that...Jen, just call me."
MY FRIEND B.: "Hey Jennifer, it's B. I just wanted to see if you got my message about that fashion show this weekend. You're probably not up for it but I just wanted to let you know you're invited. I'll be in a meeting 'till two but try to call sometime between three and five because J. [her boss] will be gone so I can take personal calls. Talk to ya later."
MY FRIEND G.: "Hello. I was just looking at my outgoing calls and saw that there may have been a call to you placed from this number at about 2:17 last night. I'm not sure if it was from me...or maybe somebody using my phone. I don't remember all...or any...of the details from last night. Like, say, who I was with or where I was. I think it started at Club DeVille though. Anyway, sorry if you got woken up by a call from my phone...and sorry if it was me who placed the call. Tell J. hi. Bye."
Looking for a secretary for my husband...
My husband is about to open an office for his business (which he currently runs out of the house) and is about to start hiring employees, first and foremost a secretary. Because I’m insecure and neurotic, the first thing that comes to mind when I hear this is all the stories I’ve heard about husbands having affairs with their secretaries.
Luckily I completely trust my husband, and because I’m ultimately a mature, rational person I’ve put my insecurities aside and have even offered to help him write the help wanted ad. I thought a lot about the type of person who could really be an asset to the business and work closely with my husband to help him succeed. Here’s what I came up with:
Come join the J Inc. team! J. Inc. is looking for a smart, motivated P/T administrative assistant. Must have a drive to succeed, strong sense of ethics, and unsightly excess body hair. Acne a plus. Basic computer skills, database experience, and morbid obesity preferred but not required. Commitment to teamwork and celibacy a must. Email resumes with photos (full-body, headshot, and profile) to Jennifer at jennifer@jenntonic.com.
I showed it to my husband but he didn't immediately respond. He says he'll get back to me.