What would Dr. Phil say about people who never update their blog?
The baby's afternoon feeding is usually around 3:00pm and I often pass the time by watching the first half of Dr. Phil. OK, I watch the whole thing.
I always start by telling myself I only have it on to amuse myself while the baby eats, but I usually end up getting sucked in -- unless it's one of those shows where his goofball son comes in to rap with the teens on their level or where he spends the hour interviewing his wife about how great their family is.
The problem is that occasionally a Dr. Phil-ism will seep into my consciousness and I will find myself referencing it in conversation. Shocked and disturbed that I have reached a place in my life where I am quoting the wisdom of a daytime talk show host, I usually make a poor attempt at disguising the source of my knowledge.
[J. and I discussing some problem...]ME: Yeah, that's a common issue. But it's like Dr....umm, I mean, the doctors at the American Academy of Psychiatrists say, "You have to name it before you can claim it."
J.: Do they always hand down their recommendations in rhyme?
Eventually he was on to me.
[J. hearing me on the phone with a friend...]ME: Well, Jessica, life rewards action, and you create your own experience.....Mmm-hmm....Yeah, Confucius said that.
J.: [Shaking his head and mouthing] Dr. Phil?
ME: [Nodding]
Falling asleep at the dinner table may have been somewhat of an indication that it's time to get the baby's sleeping on track so that I can get my life together, but I think that being a regular viewer of the Dr. Phil show is a major warning signal that my life is not exactly on track right now. At least I haven't stooped to watching the court shows and soap operas...yet.
Yeah, it was hubris
So I don't have the sleep thing solved, but I do think I'm getting close. And Marc Weissbluth is still the devil.
Hubris
I think I may have this sleep thing figured out. After analyzing the situation with two Excel spreadsheets, a Word document and a few good books I've had some major insights. Unfortunately I am still at my mom's and am leaving to go home tomorrow. I'm quite concerned that the four hour drive and change of environment will throw him off and put us back to square one. Either way, you will know what happened because:
- If all goes well I am going to do a long post about what I've learned, entitled "Dr. Marc Weissbluth, Author of Healthy Sleep Habits, Healthy Child, is the Devil."
- If all does not go well and the travel disruption puts us back to square one I will never update this site again because I will be living out the rest of my days curled up in the corner of my closet with a bottle of vodka.
I'm too tired to think of a witty title
When I was younger I used to think that "baby weight" came from some mysterious hormone associated with childbearing that magically added fat cells to your body without any help from you. Now my hypothesis is that the additional fat cells come from shoveling large quantities of food in your mouth all the time because you're too exhausted to care about eating well and you can't drink because you're breastfeeding so why not just go ahead and have that second banana nut muffin at 1:00 in the morning. Just a theory. Not speaking from experience here.
So my son is in the 8% of babies who still do not sleep through the night at four and a half months. I recently read that "sleeping through the night" for an infant is a shorter span of time than it is for adults, so many parents have babies who sleep through the night (by baby standards) and don't even know it! Well, if sleeping for two to three hours at a time before waking is the infant version of a good night sleep then I've been all worried for nothing.
I've read The No-Cry Sleep Solution where the author rambles around and doesn't really give you any specific advice at all. I liked The Baby Whisperer, but the author got a bit heavy-handed with the whole being British thing, repeatedly referring to the reader as "luv" and "ducky" and talking about how healthcare is better in the UK. No "luv"s and "ducky"s in Healthy Sleep Habits, Healthy Child which reads like a doctoral thesis but isn't as empathetic and comforting. I managed to make it through BabyWise without retching and, speaking of retching, I learned from Dr. Ferber that your baby might cry to the point of vomiting on herself when you're following his program, but don't comfort her because it'll teach her to manipulate you.
I've tried everything and nothing seems to work, which is especially disastrous since his sleep issues + my sleep issues = total disaster. He can't stay asleep. I can't fall asleep in the first place and can't go back to sleep once I've been woken up. I am a freaking zombie, well on my way to being a fat freaking zombie since having any sort of willpower seems to require having had more than three consecutive hours of sleep at some point in the past four months.
So, if any of you parents out there have any tips or tricks to get a baby to sleep through the night that is not already covered in the aforementioned books*, please let me know. Meanwhile, I'm going to go collapse.
* Unless you're going to suggest something along the lines of using relaxing lavender scents or soothing music. Let me assure you that the lack of scented plants and ocean sounds is not the reason that my baby has not been sleeping through the night.