Welcome Fat Joe fans: a review of search terms
I was looking through my stats at the search terms that led people to this site. About 40% of them referenced Fat Joe in one way or the other. Glad I can be of service. For your amusement, below is a list of some of my other favorites:
man getting hit in the balls video
"lean back" video ho
gordon`s fishsticks
macarena america`s home videos footage
how to do the rockaway dance moves
britney spears + objectification
xxx flash games fun
pregnant women and cat turd
what is rockaway
fat joe moving to mars
effect of worms in pregnancy
'pants falling down'
can i call you tiger? rowr.
girls gone wild-crew t-shirts
women lifting video
Clearly my site is attracting the crème de la crème of the internet.
I don't hate CSS
After all that bitching, it turns out that the Mozilla problem was with HTML, not CSS. I officially retract my denouncement of the lovely Cascading Style Sheets.
For those of you who care, I had a comment that had a lot of dashes in it and for some reason Mozilla therefore didn't recognize the end of the comment.
WRONG: <!------------------------------ Mozilla hates this -->
RIGHT: <!-------- now Mozilla is happy -->
By the way, this has been a blessing in disguise because it forced me to install Firefox. I have to say, it's awesome. If you use IE you should really consider getting it. It only takes about two minutes to install, and it's free. The only downside is that it feels kind of lonely to surf the web without all the spyware and viruses.
I hate CSS
OK, I just found out that my site looks like this on Mozilla. Which makes me seriously unhappy, because it's supposed to look like this.
This is all because I suck at CSS (Cascading Style Sheets). For those of you who are fortunate enough not to be familiar with it, CSS is a sort of add-on to HTML that was created for the specific purpose of giving me a headache. Unlike good 'ol HTML, pretty much every browser interprets every CSS tag differently, so when asshats like me attempt to design their own sites using this language (which Movable Type requires) it ends up looking like crap in every browser except for the one I use.
So...would you guys do me a favor and write a comment telling me if my blog looks anything like this to you? Hopefully this screenshot will look somewhat familiar to you. I'm seriously hoping that I don't have a bunch of Firefox or Netscape 2.1 readers here. I'm hoping that, like me, all of my readers dutifully support The Man and use IE on Windows so that I don't have to try to redesign my entire site with one hand as I hold the baby all day.
Thanks.
Pardon the interruption...
I will be upgrading my version of Movable Type this week. I needed to upgrade since I wore out my current version with the constant updating. Ha-ha. Actually it's an attempt to combat the spammers. So if the site is down at any point check back soon.
Meanwhile, the baby is still waking every two hours round the clock so I'm still not coherent enough to post about anything other than late-night infomercials and what I watched on the Food Network today. Hopefully I'll be able to resume my frequent posts about important topics like spam and nail polish in a couple of weeks.
A 24-hour guide to television
You do not understand how much television I watch. It started in the third trimester of my pregnancy when I didn't feel like doing anything that involved physical or mental activity. I discovered that watching low-budget reality shows on HGTV and Dr. Phil required neither. Thus I became an expert in daytime television. Then I had the baby and have since been awake around the clock in a semi-conscious zombie state, so I'm now a connoisseur of all the gems that midnight to 5am programming has to offer as well.
You suckers who have jobs, lives, and occasionally leave your house have no idea what you're missing. Did you know that Ron Jeremy has an infomercial set up to look like a talk show about penis size? Did you know that Tony Danza has a show? Were you aware that any paranoid schizophrenic off the street can -- and does -- have a late night cable access show?
I thought not.
Since you're probably going to take the next few days off of work to sit in front of your television after that tantalizing teaser, I present to you a guide to watching television 24 hours a day.
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Early Morning
This is when you really want to be watching the Home and Garden network (HGTV). You have to see it to believe it. There are entire shows dedicated to making knickknacks out of trash. This morning I watched a denim vest wearing woman make a paint roller holder out of old tennis ball cans and a doll bed out of an oranges crate. And to think I would have just thrown that crap away! Yesterday I learned how to make wall hangings shaped like cats out of old scraps of felt, as well as instructions for creating bunny rabbit dolls out of old socks. All of these items are suggested as gifts for friends, which I find infinitely amusing.
Late Morning/Noon
This is when most of television really starts to suck (by my standards, which is saying something). It's all local news and upbeat talk shows -- the "Surprise, I'm a Transsexual!" type shows don't start until well after noon. Anyway, you can usually find some MTV reality show rerun or one of those VH1 shows with unemployed comedians with ironic t-shirts making ironic comments about some 80s nostalgia. Try to suffer through until afternoon...
Afternoon
This is when Dr. Phil comes on. I used to love this show (I'm a housewife -- it's the law) but it's really gone downhill. Basically Dr. Phil sits around and asks rhetorical questions like "How much would you like it if your daughter stopped stripping to support her crack habit? How great would that be? Can you imagine that?" and then he gives them a copy of his new book and tells them to read it. Pretty anticlimactic. The only reason to watch this show anymore is to remind yourself that there are a lot of people in the world whose lives are much, much more screwed up than yours. Luckily Maury Povitch is on at the same time, and he hasn't yet risen above doing shows about midgets and lesbians.
Primetime
Most people are pretty familiar with this time block so there's not much need for input from me. However, if you want a good laugh turn it back to HGTV and watch their attempts to compete with TLC's successful reality decorating shows. HGTV has a bunch of shows that are similar to Trading Spaces or While You Were Out but clearly don't have anywhere near the budget, so they just repaint the person's existing furniture with faux finishes that make it look like it's been sitting outside for a decade, add in some flea market crap and call it "shabby chic." The shows' hosts try to remain upbeat, but you get the distinct feeling that they're barely resisting the urge to shout "TLC please hire me!" as the credits roll.
Late Night
You know that late night programming has started when you see a Girls Gone Wild infomercial on every other channel. This program is baffling to me for two reasons: 1) Does nobody wear bras anymore? It would seem that women between the ages of 18 and 24 have stopped wearing bras altogether when they go to clubs so that they can be prepared in case the Girls Gone Wild crew happens to show up. 2) The infomercial repeatedly assures viewers that the videos come with a money back guarantee. Under what circumstances would someone need to return this product? The sales pitch is pretty straightforward: it's a video of drunk women lifting up their shirts. How can you not know what you're getting there? I'd love to see their customer service's log of reasons for returns. Perhaps: "I didn't know you could see actual nudity on the video! It's all blurred out in the infomercial!" Or maybe "That's my sister!"
Mercifully, there are myriad other infomercials to choose from for your late night viewing pleasure. The best are the ones that sell kitchen gadgets. Each one has a peppy host, assisted by a skeptical cohost who's just not so sure that this product can really work but ends up being amazed with all it can do. Somehow these people always manage to convince me that my life thus far has been a futile waste of time without this product.
Infomercials are your best bet during this time slot, because all your other options are depressing: Court TV crime mystery (which they might as well call the "Rape and Murder of Attractive White Women Show"); MSNBC documentaries, often about maximum security prisons; The Real World reruns; and SportsCenter. (I count SportsCenter as depressing because I'm a Longhorns and Texans fan.)
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And there you have it. Those of you who know me personally and have gently suggested that I should really try to leave the house more often are probably feeling pretty silly right now. Little did you know how much I was enriching my life over the past few weeks thanks to my tireless television viewing.
A quick update
Well, the baby is finally here. He arrived a couple weeks ago after 19 hours of labor. The first 17 hours were manageable but the last two I could have really done without. I did end up having him without any drugs, though truth be told if I'd been in a hospital I probably would have taken every drug I could get my hands on. It probably didn't help anything that I didn't practice any of my Bradley Method relaxation techniques or birth positions. I used the Jennifer Method, which primarily involved tensing up and screaming a lot. It was surprisingly effective.
I haven't been in much of a mood to update the site considering that I haven't had more than two consecutive hours of sleep since before I went into labor. Hopefully I'll have more energy after a couple of weeks. Until then I'll try to update about once a week, and in the meantime I trust that the spammers will continue to make good use of my comments feature to keep you informed of online poker games and hot teen webcams.