A post for Azura
I spent a little bit more time on Azura's site today and realized that BlueRook didn't even find all the plagiarized entries -- almost every single post she's made lately was originally from my site:
Since everything I write eventually appears on her site, I created this one just for her. This way she can copy and paste it in its entirety and not spend her valuable time changing a few words here and there to make it seem more unique to her.
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[Begin copying and pasting below]
So the other day I was hanging out with some of my peeps in the AOL chat room and posting a few messages to the Justin Timberlake fan forums and my mom was all like "you need to clean your room" and I was like "plz, w/e" so NEway I went to make a post to my blog but realized that I have no life and nothing to say (LOL) so I went to Little Yellow Different and ripped off some posts from Ernie.
So last night I was going to post to my blog again so I went to LYD again to get some "new" material LOL but then I realized that that wouldn't work cos he actually has a job and does something productive w/ his life so the stuff he writes about wouldn't apply to me at all. Then I was like "I need to find a blogger who sucks and doesn't have a job and writes about pointless bullshit so that it'll sound like my life when I rip off all their posts" and I was like OMG Jen N Tonic would be perfect for that! So ever since then whenever I want to write something to my blog I just go to jenntonic.com and copy and paste one of her posts. To save myself some time I might eventually just have my site automatically redirect to hers and just ask her to put up my photo in place of her own. That's it for now. TTYL!
Ah, plagiarism
Look at this cool collage I put together! It's some pics of me and my pals, just chillin' and keepin' it real. I put a lot of work into this to reflect my originality. I thought the funky sun in the middle there was a nice touch.
Actually, this is not my collage. It just felt kind of good to take credit for someone else's work who is currently passing off my work as her own. Does this remind you of this at all? Or this and these two? Big thanks to BlueRook for pointing this out.
This is not the first time I've been plagiarized. I found my Friendster article on about four different sites a few months ago, each claiming it as their own. That was more fun though because they were using the images on my server (morons) so I replaced the images with really offensive stuff, thus horrifying their visitors until they noticed and took it down.
What is wrong with people?
Too much inspiration
I just checked email. Sitting in my inbox, just waiting to suck, is an email with the subject heading Adage of the Day. I could just hit delete but of course I'm going to read it, as I always do, so that I can spend the next half hour complaining to whoever happens to be close by about how stupid this particular day's adage is and how much I revile getting these every week.
This has been going on for three years.
Back in 2001 I worked with a very sweet woman who was a big fan of the power of positive thinking. Whenever I seemed down she would try to pep me up with an inspirational story or sometimes even take me to lunch with her "life coach." (What she didn't know is that I was usually just hungover and the only inspiration I needed was some Advil and a nap.)
One day she bounded up to my desk to announce that she had just the thing for me. A friend of hers who was part of her prayer group and also a client of her life coach had started sending out regular emails to his friends with inspirational parables and adages, and she had taken the liberty of adding my email address to his list. She noted that she'd made sure to give him my permanent email address in addition to my work account, so that there wouldn't be any interruptions. Ever.
For three years I have been trying to figure out how to get off this thing. The first Adage email I received was a personal note from the list's owner, telling me how wonderful it was to have a new person join the gang and how much it meant to him to be able to share happiness and good cheer with positive-thinking people like me. I thought about just replying with "Unsubscribe" but instead found myself writing a few sentences about how much I looked forward to receiving his emails.
So, every few days for the past 1,095 days, I have received little tales that dispense wisdom through the madcap adventures of bunny rabbits, little children, angels, and various indigenous peoples like the Navajo and some tribe in Africa with a lot of vowels in its name (I swear they made that one up). One was told entirely through animated gifs. Many are clearly one person's thinly disguised attempt to come to terms with some major issues, like the one where the Ribby the Tree Frog learns that it's always better for alcoholics to get professional treatment for their disease immediately, otherwise they will end up in a mutually destructive codependent cycle of mental and physical violence and their spouse will end up resentful and bitter.
A couple of my friends who I also worked with at that time are familiar with the story, so I always forward each adage on to them with some comment like "Look how much this one sucks!!! A puppy angel???" or "AAAAAH! I'm still on this thing! I can't unsubscribe!!!!" So, in a sense, they are subscribed to their own Adage of the Day/Why the Adage of the Day Sucks list that they also cannot escape.
I'm starting to think that I will just always be on this list. I'd have to send the owner, a guy named M., a personal email to have him remove my address, and there's just no polite way to put it. I've started many times but have never found the right words.
"M. - hey, you know what, these things are just TOO inspirational for me!" No. Doesn't work. How about: "AUTO-REPLY: The person who you are trying to email is deceased. Please never email this account again." Hmm, that could backfire. He'd probably organize a memorial or something. "M. - that last story about the mouse who was in love with the sparrow was a bit too risqué for me, I'm going to have to unsubscribe now." No...
Anyone have any ideas about how I can gracefully get off this thing? I just don't think my inbox can handle any more inspiration.
Why, Tiffany, why?
I hate Tiffany. Yes, I'm talking about that singer chick who hasn't had a hit since the 80s. The one who took a bunch of songs that were lame in the first place and re-sang them to make them suck in new and different ways.
My husband was surprised when I came home cursing her name. After all, I don't usually have particularly strong opinions about obscure 80s stars. I don't revile Kirk Cameron or get all angry whenever anyone talks about the chick who played the little robot on Small Wonders. Let me explain.
NARS cosmetics has a shade of lipstick (sorry, "lip lacquer" -- I guess people won't pay $20 for lipstick) in the most beautiful shade of red. I've never seen anything like it. It's a kind of maroon/burgundy mix, and it's perfect for me. It's like they had my picture up in the design room when they were formulating it and concocted the hue just to please me. Whenever I would wear it I would get frequent compliments about how great it looked. Ah, those were the days.
I went to Saks today to get a new bottle and found out to my great horror that it's been discontinued. NARS is no longer allowed to make it because the color was called Tiffany, and Washed-up-has-been Tiffany sued on the grounds that they were using her name to try and associate her with the product. And of course she just can't have that. Trying to sell a product by using someone else's name would be as deplorable as...well...trying to sell an album by singing someone else's songs.
Good thing she discovered their plan. When the marketing team was having the brainstorming session about what to name this shade, someone probably said, "We'd like to associate it with a woman who is as talented as she is beautiful. Someone famous. Someone at the top of her game. A venerable figure who transcends celebrity, an icon for the ages. Hey...what about Tiffany? Wasn't her cover of 'I Saw Him Standing There' just the greatest?"
Actually, I am willing to bet that that's not how that conversation went. It's just a hunch, but I'm guessing that the people at NARS, a cosmetics company on the cutting edge of fashion, aren't particularly anxious to be associated with "'I Think We're Alone Now' sung over a cheap synthesizer" Tiffany. They don't have Danny Bonaduce Blue eye glacé or Gary Busey moisturizing skin cremé. It is safe to say that the use of the name Tiffany here was a total coincidence.
Tiff, listen. I know times are hard. I know booze isn't free and smack dealers don't offer payment plans. And since the new record deals aren't exactly rolling in you need to do what you can for cash. But why can't you just rob liquor stores or go into porn like all the other washed-up celebrities? Why must you take away the one shade of lipstick that has ever looked good on me? Please, I beg of you, it's not too late. Call NARS and tell them you were just kidding. Offer to settle for them buying one of your albums or something, or maybe offering you a job.
I just don't know what I'll do without this lipstick. With my luck I'll find a replacement, only to discover they named it "Shaka Khan."
Prenatal yoga
The ranks of the "Are you HUGE yet??" crowd have now been surpassed by "You should take a prenatal yoga class" crowd. I cannot believe how many times I have had this conversation within the past few months.
WELL-MEANING PERSON WHO CLEARLY DOESN'T KNOW ME VERY WELL: So when are you due?
ME: Mid-September.
WMP: Are you taking prenatal yoga?
ME: Uhh, no. I'm not interested in it.
WMP: [Eyes light up] Ooooh! You HAVE to take prenatal yoga! It helps you breath and blah blah blah blah
[At this point my brain overloads from having this discussion 1,000 times and I am unable to process any more yoga-related information, so I switch to Yoga Discussion Autopilot.]
ME: Uh-huh. Yeah, it's really not for me.
WMP: Blah blah blah blah blah breathing blah blah stretching
ME: Mmm-hmmm. Ooooh.
WMP: Blah blah mind/body connection blah blah blah blah
ME: Oh, ok. Yoga-Yoga on South Lamar? Ok, I'll look into that.
WMP: Blah blah blah herbal hibiscus tea at the end of each class blah blah blah
ME: Great...cool...thanks for the info.
This is pretty much the script of every social encounter I have now. I always feel bad for these people because I know they mean well, but they just have no idea how hopeless their efforts are. I've been waiting my whole life to have an excuse not to exercise without feeling guilty, and pregnancy is it. I'm not going to let some yoga class come between me and this golden opportunity to do nothing. Plus, I'm just not a yoga person. Everyone I say that to interprets it to mean I just haven't found the right yoga class, but I'm really not. I'll detail all the reasons why in another post, but to summarize:
- I already know how to breathe.
- There are other ways to relax that don't cost $25 and take an hour and a half out of my life.
- I don't care about improving my flexibility.
- Yoga was not designed for people of my height. I'm six feet tall. Whenever I try to get my body into those ridiculous positions I end up looking like the Jolly Green Giant on quaaludes. It's not pretty.
I've tried explaining all this to the "You should take a prenatal yoga class" crowd but the only effect it has it to add another 15 minutes to the conversation. Maybe I should just ask for a t-shirt that says "Please don't talk to me about prenatal yoga" as a baby shower gift.
Winner: Cell Phone User of the Year
I am proud to announce that I am the recipient of the First Annual Jen N Tonic Cell Phone User of the Year Award. I feel humbled and honored to receive this recognition as the only person of the 1.2 billion cell phone users worldwide who is able to operate a mobile telephone without turning into a jackass. I would like to thank the people at Jen N Tonic for their insight and wisdom in bestowing this great honor upon me.
Now, some may argue that there was bias on the part of the judges since I gave the award to myself. However, I think that when you review the criteria below you will agree that nobody else on the face of the planet would have been eligible for nomination.
In order to receive the Jen N Tonic Cell Phone User of the Year Award you must be a regular mobile phone user who does not participate in any of the obnoxious activities below. I know some people who avoid most of them, but I submit that I am the only person on the face of the planet who does none of the following:
Answering your phone while sitting at a table or in a group
Contrary to popular belief, hitting the Talk button on your mobile phone does not magically transport you into another dimension where the people around you can no longer see or hear you. Last month I was at a wedding shower where we were all sitting around a small coffee table making polite chit-chat with one another. One of the guest's cell phones rang and, of course, she answered it. She proceeded to have a lengthy conversation with her friend on the other line while remaining seated in the group, leaving the rest of us to sit in uncomfortable silence since it was too difficult to talk over her conversation. If you simply must take that call, it is possible to stand up and move to another location to have your conversation.Staring at your phone and letting it ring while you decide whether or not to answer
Every cell phone has a button that you can press to make it stop ringing without answering it. Usually it's the End button. Use it. And by the way, why is this such a difficult decision? I always see people stare at their LCD for anywhere from 10 to 20 seconds while deciding whether or not to answer the call. What is on these people's screens? A riddle? Mine just shows the name or number of whoever is calling me, thus making my decision about whether or not to take the call instantaneous.Letting your phone keep ringing if you decide not to answer
This is similar to the item above. Again, I would like to take this moment to announce to the world that it is possible to make your cell phone stop ringing without answering it.Having a loud and/or obnoxious ring
You just got your new phone. You're exploring all its features and you discover with glee that it has LOTS and LOTS of different rings! I know, its exciting. You could be the only person in your office whose incoming calls are announced by Beethoven's Fifth. Or you could spice things up a bit with The Entertainer. And you want to make sure you don't miss any of those important calls you get, so you turn the volume up so that you can hear the ring even over the din of the lunch crowd at Golden Corral. The problem is, nobody cares about your cool ring and its volume is jarring and distracting. Either turn the volume down or keep it in your pocket on vibrate.Inability to drive while on the phone
As I noted above, being on your cell phone does not mean you're temporarily spirited away to an alternate universe that consists only of you and your current conversation. You are still in your car. You are still expected to be able to operate the accelerator and the brake and, yes, even the turn signal. Red lights still mean "stop," green lights still mean "go."Answering your phone in a movie theater
This is the worst offense of all. Until last month I thought it was an urban legend. I'd heard stories of friends' cousins' girlfriends witnessing this kind of thing but assumed that, like the rumored organ theft rings, nobody would actually do something so vile. Then I saw it for myself. I was in a theater and at a particularly intense, emotional part of the movie the cell phone of the woman sitting next to me started ringing. She let it ring while she stared at the LCD, then eventually answered and began a conversation. She didn't even get up to leave; she just sat there and chatted away. It would take me about 3,000 words to describe exactly how I feel about this kind of behavior, so I'll just stop here.
A final note: nobody important is trying to contact you. By definition, if you're one of the people who stares at your phone and lets your Mexican Hat Dance ring blare on and on while you decide whether or not you should take a call, nobody is going to trust you with information of any significance. It's ok to go ahead and turn off the phone it theaters, not answer it at the dinner table, or even get rid of it altogether.
Add fire to big stick and it go boom. Fun.
The thing I don't like about the 4th of July is the same thing I don't like about New Year's: fireworks. I enjoy the large, professional productions, but I hate the fact that any yahoo can -- and does -- go out and buy a truckload of black cats and bottle rockets for about $2.50. They don't even get the kind that produce a pretty visual like Roman candles or sparklers; they skip straight to the ones that do absolutely nothing except for make a loud noise.
And since the low price allows these people to get more firecrackers than they could possibly set off in one night even if they tried (which they do), 4th of July and New Year's both turn into a sort of Asshat Ramadan: endless days, weeks, and sometimes even months of the normal, quiet neighborhood sounds pierced with the POP!POP!POP! sound of some idiot who has yet to tire of the bag of fireworks they bought for the holiday.
I don't even understand the appeal of these things for the holiday itself. What is so fascinating about black cats and bottle rockets?! Somebody please explain this to me. Based solely on my observations I can only assume the thought process here is, "Oooo. Me make loud noise. Add fire to big stick and it go boom. Fun." Every 4th of July I see adults and children alike stand around into the wee hours of the night setting these things off. It's as if there's promise on the package that the 1,384th one they set off will explode into a flurry of $100 bills or free a genie who will grant them a wish. But, alas, the same thing happens over and over and over and over again. You light the fuse and it makes a loud noise. This is the intellectual equivalent of sitting around and staring at shiny objects.
The 50 Most Overrated Movies of All Time - Part I
The other day I was ranting about how utterly not funny and inane Shrek is, as I am wont to do every time I see a preview for Shrek II. J. commented that he hadn't been exposed to this much bitching about movies since Amelie, one thing led to another, and a few hours later we had a rough draft of the 50 Most Overrated Movies of All Time. These aren't necessarily the worst (though some of them are). They're just movies that everyone claims are great, but actually blow.
I'm going to fix this up later and order them and add comments but, until then, I present to you some of the most overrated movies of all time (in no particular order). If you have not seen one of these and some friend is telling you that you just HAVE to because it's so good, you can safely skip the movie and hate that person forever.
* = Special Achievement in Sucking
Shrek*
Capturing the Friedmans
Leaving Las Vegas
Finding Nemo
Mrs. Doubtfire
Ordinary people
The Nightmare Before Christmas
Irreversible
The Nutty Professor
Reservoir Dogs
Six Degrees of Separation
Chocolat
Cape Fear
American Beauty
A River Runs Through It
Legends of the Fall
Donnie Darko
The Hours
Moonstruck
Rosemary's Baby
Austin Powers
Natural Born Killers
The Postman Always Rings Twice*
Splendor in the Grass
Bowling for Columbine
Chicago
Moulin Rouge
My Fair Lady
High Fidelity
Ulee's Gold*
Igby Goes Down
Thelma and Louise
Raging Bull
Mulholland Drive
Fantasia
Amelie*
Requiem for a Dream
Waking Life
English Patient
Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf*
Far From Heaven
Easy Rider
Braveheart*
Jaws
Bride of Frankenstein
Rebel Without a Cause
Analyze This
Being John Malkovich
Speed*
Fight Club
City Slickers
...And ANY musical.
Is this thing on?
I accidentally stumbled across this site today and was like, "What is this? This site sucks. It's never updated." Then I realized it's my own site.
I don't have time to make a full update right now but I probably will later tonight, unless of course some really hot Friday night plans come up. (I'm hilarious).
In the meantime, I will share with you something J. and I worked on a few days ago: a list of the 50 Most Overrated Movies of All Time. I will write a follow-up post later ordering them from most to least overrated, and explaining why each of them sucks so much. Enjoy.