More thoughts while watching TV
My completely unedited thoughts, typed in real time as I spend a Friday night watching TV.
Maxim's Hot 100 on VH1
- Michelle Branch just said she was surprised that she is #20. I hear you, sister. At least she's perceptive. What is she doing on the list at all? Hell, this makes me think I have a shot at the top 10.
- Shows like this are the last realm of society untouched by political correctness. There is no attempt to recognize that female beauty comes in all different shapes and sizes or to show "real" women or any other crap like that. No chick bodybuilders, no hairy or fat women. Very little attempt to make anyone here seem powerful or successful. Just the plain 'ol objectification of skinny chicks with suspiciously large breasts. It's kind of refreshing, actually.
- My husband is asleep and I'm watching VH1 show endless footage of women oiling themselves up while wearing bikinis that appear to be made out of a shoelace. Not exactly a self-esteem-building exercise. Pregnant women in the third trimester should not watch VH1. Or MTV. Or E!. Maybe they just shouldn't own televisions.
- What?? They finally get to #1 and it's Jessica Simpson? Does stupidity count for nothing? Plus, she has a mouth like a horse. It's like they took the names of a few attractive women, threw in a few trolls like Michelle Branch and Mariah Carey, and just picked them randomly out of a hat. This show is a crock.
MTV's Boiling Pont
This is a reality show in which unsuspecting people are put in situations where someone is incredibly rude to them, and if they remain calm for a preset amount of time they win $100. This particular episode took place in a flower shop, where an employee mangled customers' flowers while wrapping them up.
Cha-ching! That would be the easiest $100 I ever made. The show's title, Boiling Point, implies that they're rewarding people for their self control and restraint. The producers clearly don't understand that there are legions of us out there who have the fortitude and assertiveness of Jell-O. Flower shop employee mangling my purchase? Hah! I'd probably still tell him to have a nice day. And when he jacked up the price by about 50% before handing the customer the waded mess of tissue paper and leaves? Noooo problem. If there were a tip jar I'm sure I'd still toss a dollar in there, just to make sure he didn't get mad at me or anything.
I can say with certainty, however, that my husband would not walk away with the hundred dollar bill. He might walk away with a set of handcuffs around his wrist or a couple of felony counts, but not the prize for tolerating aggressive rudeness. Definitely not.
Britney Spears injures knee, cancels tour
What a ridiculous reason to cancel the tour. As if the fans would just be crushed if there weren't any choreographed dance routines. You can still dress like slut and writhe around on the floor with a broken knee. Stop being lazy and get your ass back on tour.
Oh...no. I did a quick search on confirm that the story was true and had the misfortune to stumble across the fact that she hurt the knee while filming a new video in which her costar is Snoop Dogg. Snoop. Dogg. The Doggfather is now costarring in Britney Spears videos.
On that note of disgust and disillusionment, I'm going to sleep.
Spam drama
This week I had the privilege of receiving a spam email that was sent to a distribution list that I was involuntarily put on and cannot unsubscribe from. Normally I would not exactly consider this a privilege. However, the fact that this was an unsecured list so any time anyone replied it would go out to the whole group, and there were a lot of morons on there who a) don't understand how email works and b) didn't know they were on the list, combined to make my junk mail folder its own little reality show.
There was the man who just had to reply and let everyone know that he uses Linux, a few people who just wanted to say howdy to the other nice folks on the list, the woman who decided that this would be a great networking opportunity and posted her resume ("I just hired a new employee who I met through a virus email!"), and a man named Jim whose mental state deteriorated with every new reply.
I have condensed the 50+ emails I received as part of this debacle into one thread for your viewing pleasure. Email addresses have been removed to protect the idiots. I mean, "innocent."
Best if read from the bottom up:
Continue reading "Spam drama"My life through voicemail
Over the past few weeks I've been meaning to introduce the "cast of characters" of my life. I was going to write up brief descriptions of friends and family members who I will probably mention frequently.
Then last week I realized that you can often tell everything you need to know about a person by the voicemails they leave. So, rather than try to come up with my own descriptions and interpretations of their personalities, I'll just let the people in my life speak for themselves:
MY MOTHER-IN-LAW: "JENNIFER. I need you to call me. I'm clicking on the damn thing on the left on the picture of the circle but that window keeps coming up! I cannot get this to work. I need you to call me. Bye bye -- oh! -- I sent you a package, so look out for it. I won't tell you what's in it, but you'll know it's from me because it looks like it got in a fight. Love and kisses!"
[NOTE: I have no idea what the first statement was in reference to. It's not something we'd ever discussed before.]MY DAD: "Hey kid, it's me. I just wanted to remind you guys about the Venus transit tomorrow morning. If you can see it it'll be right around sunrise. This is the first time it's happened since 1882 and it's going to be really neat, so don't forget to set your alarm. Bye."
MY MOM: "Hey Jen, did you get those insurance forms I sent? I know you never check the mail. You need to check it and fill those out because it's urgent. Did I tell you that L. is coming to visit this weekend? She's here for a -- goddammit! Wait...I just...hang on...I'm trying to get on 114 East and this says 114 North. [Inaudible expletive]. This isn't even my exit. Is that...Jen, just call me."
MY FRIEND B.: "Hey Jennifer, it's B. I just wanted to see if you got my message about that fashion show this weekend. You're probably not up for it but I just wanted to let you know you're invited. I'll be in a meeting 'till two but try to call sometime between three and five because J. [her boss] will be gone so I can take personal calls. Talk to ya later."
MY FRIEND G.: "Hello. I was just looking at my outgoing calls and saw that there may have been a call to you placed from this number at about 2:17 last night. I'm not sure if it was from me...or maybe somebody using my phone. I don't remember all...or any...of the details from last night. Like, say, who I was with or where I was. I think it started at Club DeVille though. Anyway, sorry if you got woken up by a call from my phone...and sorry if it was me who placed the call. Tell J. hi. Bye."
"Think about the words that are coming out of your mouth!"
I'm headed out this morning to the thriving east Texas metropolis of Gun Barrel City. The trip serves the dual purposes of visiting my grandparents-in-law and finding a new home for some sweet cats who were about to be put to sleep.
I was at a wedding on Sunday and this trip came up as part of the obligatory so-what's-new-with-you table chitchat. More than one person reacted to this news as if I told them that the dual purposes of the trip were to enter a tequila shot contest and ride roller coasters. "Uhh, you know, you really shouldn't be around cats when you're pregnant," they'd say gravely. To which Alternate Universe Assertive Jen leaned forward across the table and said in a loud, slow voice, "THINK ABOUT THE WORDS THAT ARE COMING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH."
AUA Jen continued, "You should really get your important message out to the 73 million Americans who own cats. If what you're saying is true, this country may not even have a next generation!"
Yes, yes, I'm aware that pregnant women should exercise caution while changing litter boxes because of the risk of toxoplasmosis, but even that activity is low risk unless you actually eat some of the cat crap. This is one of the many examples of people taking a minor risk to ridiculous, illogical extremes in the name of concern for unborn children. The next recommendation is going to be that you shouldn't even live in the same neighborhood as a cat. After all, if you were to be walking down the street and came across a cat turd you might accidentally eat it, thus increasing your chance of getting toxoplasmosis. Yes, the risk may be small, but (all together now) why take any chances at all when it comes to the health of your baby!
And on that note, I'm off to spread my humor and good cheer to the folks of Gun Barrel City. I'll be back on Friday.